i have a lot of stuff on my mind i can go off about, but here's one for now and i'll keep it short, simple, and to the point: it makes me legit sad that i rarely get out of my house. i complain about it and joke about it, but it really does affect me. where are my friends?

my first week of summer vacation was nothing like i imagined it would be.
isn't summer supposed to be fun and exciting?

in the past few days my mood has been up, down, and all around.
mostly down, though.
it's like i'm in a perpetual state of depression and i can't get out of it.
i honestly can't remember the last time i was truly happy and enjoying myself.
i want to be hopeful and optimistic about what's going to happen now, but it's hard.
i keep telling myself, "don't worry, you never know what the future's going to bring, just wait and see".
but everything just really sucks right now and its hard to keep a positive state of mind.

it's all nonsense that's making me feel like shit.
-PMS for one thing; that's a big part of it and just exaggerates everything.
-my grandparents are basically divorced now and my grandpa is still really sick.
-i still haven't found a job.
-i feel like i don't have friends; no one calls me or texts and invites me to hang out. i hate feeling left out.
-i'm newly single; this was the icing on the cake.

i never get depressed like this, its so weird for me to not be chipper.
i hate this.

i just want to be happy again.
something i haven't been in a long time.

life be easy and tough decisions made for us?

How did we get here?
Well I used to know you so well.

i know you, inside and out.
but do i really know you at all?
sometimes i feel like i don't.
we're the best of friends; we're inseparable. at least it used to be that way.
i wish things would go back to the way they were.
but, you know, i think i'm starting to accept the fact that it may never be that way again.
i don't want to, but i think you've just changed too much.
you're constantly pushing me away, you won't let me in anymore.
it makes me sad, remembering how close we used to be and seeing now that we're as distant as two people can be.
you're always with your new friends. i don't like them, just so you know. but you probably knew that already.
you're always with them, too. when you're around them, it's like i don't exist.
they're not the best crowd to be around. i don't like what they're doing to you. that's not my best friend.
oh, and do you ever use your head?
you know what you did to me; you said you'd never do it again.
and yet i see you do it over and over to your girlfriends. why do you do that? do you think it's somehow "okay"?
i want to say something. a part of me thinks it's the right thing to do. but i don't want to stick my head somewhere it doesn't belong.

i don't know what to do about you.
you get under my skin and in my head.
you aggravate me.
you annoy me.
you boggle my mind.
you're unbelievable.
you're not the kid i've known for almost my whole life.
i don't know you anymore.

if it's worth the wait,
if you're worth waiting for,
and if anything will turn out the way i wish so often it will.